I am Coming to Terms with my Mortality!

A tremendous thing is happening to me at this very moment. It is currently the hour of noon on a Sunday afternoon, and for the several hour period that has passed since I awoke this morning, I have been lying awake in my bed, unable to move, staring at the reproduction of Caravaggio’s Judith Beheading Holofones that I have painted on my ceiling. I feel a tremendous pressure within me, as if God himself were grasping my very soul within His hand and clenching His fist. I fear, loyal Bowen and Sons readers, that I may be approaching the hour of my death. I am staring into the face of the clock, and beyond it, through it, I see the Abyss. I am certain to have died by the time this article reaches the deepest bowels of the Bowen and Sons Headquarters’ basement, wherein the Portly Grimy Fellow who tends to the publishing of our political essays on the mysterious Electronic Adding Machine Network will do whatever it is he does that results in… my God, I see it! My life! My life is flashing before my eyes! I see the other side! Then it must be true: I, R. Thurmane Woudspelle, am dying! Lo, but if I could only share with you, gentle readers, the sublime and terrible visions dancing Before My Eyes!

Attention: I Have Acquired Your Place of Business, Home, and/or Wife

To Whom It May Concern,

You may have noticed some changes happening around your office, farm, and/or marital bed. Do not be alarmed, as these changes are for the best, gentle sir! I have simply taken your place of business, home, and/or wife for myself as a function of my power over your board of directors, eminent domain, and/or prima nocte.

The Republican Party is Feigning Insanity! Brilliant!

My people have grown concerned. Amidst the tidal wave of filthy teenagers camping and holding signs that say nothing, amidst the growing vocal presence of The Gays and The Atheists and The Moderates in our nation, the Republican Party appears to be entering into a critical phase in its long and gloried history as Ultimate Power Incarnate in the world; our grasp on the genitalia of the nation’s huddled masses seems somehow slippery, and our people are concerned that if we do not find a way to tighten our grip, the people may slip out of our vice-like pincers to the gun cabinets that we have worked so hard to stock with Automatic Assault Rifles and Bazookas and other important Deer Hunting equipment, and use those weapons not for their true purpose- killing harmless animals for sport-but to overthrow us! I say to these people, COWARDS! BE NOT AFRAID! FOR I COME BEARING INSIGHT, INSIGHT INTO THE WORKINGS OF THE PUPPET MACHINE THAT WE HAVE CHOSEN TO PRETEND IS REFERRED TO AS A GOVERNMENT THAT YOU WOULD NEVER COMPREHEND! In perusing the stenographed transcripts of the Republican Primary Debates occurring over the past month, as well as various literature and news articles regarding the Elective Elimination Process to decide who shall be our next Republican President, I have realized that the Republicans (or, as I like to call them, The Good Team) are employing a brilliant tactical strategy of subversion to trick the Democrats: They are feigning insanity! What a brilliant strategy!

J. Travolta: Also A Vampire! But NOT OURS!!!!

Shocking news from the interconnected network!!! Our intelligence gathering experts have unearthed a tremendous discovery that is soon to rock the Colonies: another extremely old photograph of a beloved modern-day actor, suggesting immortality that can only be connected to vampirism! As you may recall, actor N. Cage’s terrifying vampire secret- that he is a vampire!- was recently revealed to all the world, and Bowen and Sons Enterprises, who have been guarding this secret as a time-honored tradition for nigh on 200 years, were revealed to be involved! But this- this is not our doing! Actor J. Travolta is a vampire, and we at Bowen and Sons have nothing to do with it! This must be the demonic work of those most evil and reviled of demon-spawned savages, Bowen Enterprises of Chicago!!

N. Cage: Actor, Vampire, Fellow Robber-Baron

Many is the time public outcries and accusations have been leveled against our organization regarding matters such as sociopathy, a lack of evolutionary human social bonding mechanisms, and at one point in the early 1950s, after we engineered the Red Scare and the Cold War, certain humanitarian groups (which, at great expense to our organization, no longer exist, and as such the names of which are irrelevant) even accused us of being “ultra-fascist economic Hitlers, Holocausting the beta race of Human People With Souls.” Though we take tremendous pride in such glowing praise, even from rabble and hoodlums who it is our sworn duty to disseminate and destroy- charity groups! Pah!- we are far from perfect. Our business enterprise brotherhood, being a brotherhood in addition to a business enterprise, occasionally requires us to engage in inexcusable brotherly behaviors; loyalty, sacrifice, and other pitiful, base defilings of our code. And occasionally, these disgusting debasements surface and become public matters. Today, one such occasion jeopardizes the very reputation of our organization. For over 200 years, we at Bowen and Sons have guarded a terrifying secret from the world; today, that secret has been revealed, and we have no choice but to own up to our involvement. An esteemed, long-time member of our ranks, one Mr. N. Cage, is, indeed, a vampire.

N. Cage Poses Handsomely (Circa The War of Anti-Capitalist Aggression)

Warren Buffett, Public Enemy Number One

As the body of Mr. O. Bin Laden has no doubt sunk to the bottom of the ocean and been defiled by myriad sea-creatures and the amphibious lizard-men that populate the entire Pacific Archipelago, it is time for America to find a new enemy.

Surprise!

He’s been right in front of our resplendently mustachioed faces the entire time.

“Bowen Enterprises” is but a Collection of Falsifiers and Vermin and We Shall Destroy Them!

Attention, loyal readers of Bowen and Sons Media Enterprises: imposters are afoot! Imposters most foul!

It has recently come to our attention that a company – or, rather, a collection of uncouth vermin – labeling itself as “Bowen Enterprises” exists, and is actively besmirching our founder, J.T. Bowen, by attempting to do business under his good name. This shall not stand!

R. Murdoch Has Restored My Faith In The Austrians!

In the early years of the 20th century, a promising young Austrian took control of a small, once-powerful national and social organization. Using an almost inhuman charisma and unbelievably keen knack for acquisitions and expansions, this previously unrecognized young artist rose to power over a collapsing and dying empire and breathed life into it like the young female Life Guard who lords over my personal swimming pool breathed life into me when I thought I saw a man who looked like me hiding at the bottom of my pool and attempted to grab him by the neck to strangle him. Lo, but he was quicker than I, and he grabbed my arms and pulled me down, down into the depths! And so, at the helm of his now mighty empire, this titanic hero led his nation onto the world stage- ever growing, ever expanding, ever conquering, he restored the glory of his once proud people and carved out a place in history. But his genius came with a price! Soon the weak-willed and effeminate leaders of the rest of the world, jealous of his superiority, began to accuse him of crimes! Terrible crimes! Suddenly the things he did to restore his people to a place of national pride, superiority, and racial mastery were not excellent business practices, but murderous barbarisms that had to be stopped! And so this misunderstood genius, and each of his closest agents, were given a mock trial, a circus before the world, in which they were all declared monsters. This brilliant young man, with his odd mustache and his unique public speaking style that involved a tremendous amount of yelling, has been brought to his knees before the world and publically flogged in an unprecedented abortion of justice. A truly tragic tale and a heartbreaking example of how progress in our modern society is falsely equated with evil. I speak, of course, of none other than the titan of industry R. Murdoch, whose recent name-dragging-through-the-muddery has tainted the glory of what was a truly meteoric and epic rise to the top of the newspaper-controlling industry and compromised his unprecedented ability to kill millions of Jews!

What Are You Doing Here, And Why Is My Penis So Limp?

Hello you,

         

Yes you, I can see you hiding behind the lush velvet curtain that hangs ever-so casually at the corner of my drawing-room window.  Did you really think such a cartoonish ruse could baffle the Germanic wit of T. Archibald Foulke III?!  Having been forced to read Hamlet by my father at a young age, to prepare me for the certainty that his brother would murder him and attempt to steal his land and titles, I am fully prepared to stab wildly into those pillowy drapes of plush fabric without first checking to see who is behind them.

So many questions race through my mind as I near you, emergency skewer in hand.  Why did you break into my palatial manor? What do you want from me?  And why is my penis so damn limp?
 

The State of Our Democracy: Debt Ceiling Crisis

Unless you have been hiding yourselves under piles of ‘ample sized’ petticoats, you will no doubt be aware that America stands on the brink of financial ruin; if congress is incapable of raising this ‘debt’ ceiling, your Federation will be decimated, and your capacity to govern crippled beyond usefulness.

You may, however, be less aware that due to a number of ‘short’ positions taken by myself, I stand to gain substantially from your impending economic apocalypse.  Yes I bet against you.  All of you.  And now from the weakest I come to pluck my plunder.  And I don’t mean invalids and babies, though I will certainly be stealing from them too.