Shocking news from the interconnected network!!! Our intelligence gathering experts have unearthed a tremendous discovery that is soon to rock the Colonies: another extremely old photograph of a beloved modern-day actor, suggesting immortality that can only be connected to vampirism! As you may recall, actor N. Cage’s terrifying vampire secret- that he is a vampire!- was
recently revealed to all the world, and Bowen and Sons Enterprises, who have been guarding this secret as a time-honored tradition for nigh on 200 years, were revealed to be involved! But this- this is not our doing! Actor J. Travolta is a vampire, and we at Bowen and Sons have nothing to do with it! This must be the demonic work of those most evil and reviled of demon-spawned savages, Bowen Enterprises of Chicago!!
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| The Monstrous J. Travolta, circa 1845 |
As evidenced by the discovery of the photograph to the left, J. Travolta, like N. Cage, is clearly an immortal vampire!!! This latest bit of information comes to us through the Bowen and Sons Technological Spying and Monitoring of Everything team, a morbidly obese and very uncomfortable man who dwells within the basement labyrinth of our own Mr. J.M Rutherford’s palatial estate, amongst the mausoleum in which most of our former employees are bricked into the walls for their crimes. This man, who seems to call himself Trevor, has been a source of information for us ever
since it was discovered that he is the master of a mysterious organization of non-steam-emitting machines (???????????) through which most of the “civilized” world communicates. Pah! Fie on them, for their sorcery comes at a tremendous price! The price of their souls! For proof, look ye nay further than this recent violation of God’s law! The emergence of a non-Bowen and Sons vampire?!? I say clearly this is the Devil’s work! And all thanks to those damned, despicable family-oriented coodlery-doos at Bowen Enterprises, Chicago!!!
And so we see what, precisely, is currently amiss: The organization of halfwits at Bowen Enterprises, Chicago have, in their employ, a vampire actor whose soul purpose, I’m sure of it, is to serve as a rival to our own! Clearly a spy amongst our ranks, at some point in the last 200 years, revealed to their corporation that we were in possession of such a powerful ally, and they somehow found a way to manufacture one of their own! This J. Travolta most assuredly was, at some point, a flunky in their employ who was offered some sort of compensation if he should sacrifice his immortal soul and bargain with Lucifer for immortality and power unimagined!!! VILE, HERETICAL TRAGEDY!!! There can be only one vampire, and that vampire is our own N. Cage! He belongs to us, and we shall fight for him!
The time to act is now, loyal Bowen and Sons readers. We have already begun the process of assembling an army of our poorest, darkest miners and manure-shovellers! The invasion is impending! Join us, for when we have wiped Bowen Enterprises from the face of the earth, those who did not aid us will pay the price of their womanly cowering!!!
