N. Cage: Actor, Vampire, Fellow Robber-Baron

Many is the time public outcries and accusations have been leveled against our organization regarding matters such as sociopathy, a lack of evolutionary human social bonding mechanisms, and at one point in the early 1950s, after we engineered the Red Scare and the Cold War, certain humanitarian groups (which, at great expense to our organization, no longer exist, and as such the names of which are irrelevant) even accused us of being “ultra-fascist economic Hitlers, Holocausting the beta race of Human People With Souls.” Though we take tremendous pride in such glowing praise, even from rabble and hoodlums who it is our sworn duty to disseminate and destroy- charity groups! Pah!- we are far from perfect. Our business enterprise brotherhood, being a brotherhood in addition to a business enterprise, occasionally requires us to engage in inexcusable brotherly behaviors; loyalty, sacrifice, and other pitiful, base defilings of our code. And occasionally, these disgusting debasements surface and become public matters. Today, one such occasion jeopardizes the very reputation of our organization. For over 200 years, we at Bowen and Sons have guarded a terrifying secret from the world; today, that secret has been revealed, and we have no choice but to own up to our involvement. An esteemed, long-time member of our ranks, one Mr. N. Cage, is, indeed, a vampire.

N. Cage Poses Handsomely (Circa The War of Anti-Capitalist Aggression)

Above, you will see a photograph, recently unearthed and brought to the public eye. This photograph clearly shows none other than Mr. N. Cage, famed actor of such Moving Pictures as “N. Cage: The Biography.” The picture has been dated as far back in history as the year 1870, making N. Cage well over 150 years old- potentially, even older. Much, much older. The Interconnected Network of Electronic Adding Machines has exploded with speculation, and the only theory that is supported by science is the most shocking of all: Mr. Cage is, in fact, a vampire. And now, we at Bowen and Sons must confess it to be true. We have been guarding his secret since 1785.

In the year 1764, as you have surely learned in Our Storied Heritage, Bowen and Sons was founded by the esteemed Mr. J.T. Bowen. To keep the organization running efficiently, Mr. Bowen assembled an elite group of six associates- in those days, the equivalent of the modern “friend”- in a sort of Round Table. At that table was none other than Baron Nikholaus Von Cage, who had been Mr. Bowen’s right-hand man for thirty six years at the time of the first Bowen and Sons meeting.

Mr. Bowen had, since the earliest days of their professional relationship, taken a great liking to Mr. Cage. Cage’s ruthless, compassionless nature made him a brilliant head of acquisitions and conquerances, and he soon proved himself worthy of being the son Mr. Bowen had never had (aside from his twelve biological male children, of whom he considered none to be business savvy enough to be of any use.) As the years went by, the two developed a lifelong business partnership akin to what the weak think of as a “marriage,” sans idealistic and misguided views about human interpersonal connections outside of the realm of finance.

All was wonderful for the two friends, but truly, nothing beautiful can last, and a dark cloud loomed over their relationship. To make a long, emotionally-driven story short, cold, and businesslike, their friendship was jeopardized when Mr. Bowen, discovering the truth about his partner, was forced to choose between his Christian ideals and the fate of his company, which rested on the shoulders of his best friend. Mr. Bowen chose his friendship and his company, and a secret was born; since the announcement was made to the highest-tier members of the organization, each member of the Bowen and Sons Elite Board of Directors has been sworn to secrecy and to aid in Mr. Cage’s septa-annual “death” and “rebirth.”

The arrangement does not come without advantage to Bowen and Sons, of course; Mr. Cage’s tremendous murder-power and thirst for blood and human flesh provide us with an easy means of eliminating competitors, union agitators, and street performers who we find particularly distasteful. And, of course, Mr. Cage’s business savvy, after 600 years of education and practice, is unparalleled. In the business world, there is no substitute for experience, and if we were paying Mr. Cage with money rather than blood, we estimate his required salary to be greater than the gross domestic product of the entire planet. Luckily for us, Mr. Cage cares not for ducats and gold; blood is his currency, and blood he gets!!! Another spectacularly profitable deal for Bowen and Sons!!!