R. Murdoch Has Restored My Faith In The Austrians!

In the early years of the 20th century, a promising young Austrian took control of a small, once-powerful national and social organization. Using an almost inhuman charisma and unbelievably keen knack for acquisitions and expansions, this previously unrecognized young artist rose to power over a collapsing and dying empire and breathed life into it like the young female Life Guard who lords over my personal swimming pool breathed life into me when I thought I saw a man who looked like me hiding at the bottom of my pool and attempted to grab him by the neck to strangle him. Lo, but he was quicker than I, and he grabbed my arms and pulled me down, down into the depths! And so, at the helm of his now mighty empire, this titanic hero led his nation onto the world stage- ever growing, ever expanding, ever conquering, he restored the glory of his once proud people and carved out a place in history. But his genius came with a price! Soon the weak-willed and effeminate leaders of the rest of the world, jealous of his superiority, began to accuse him of crimes! Terrible crimes! Suddenly the things he did to restore his people to a place of national pride, superiority, and racial mastery were not excellent business practices, but murderous barbarisms that had to be stopped! And so this misunderstood genius, and each of his closest agents, were given a mock trial, a circus before the world, in which they were all declared monsters. This brilliant young man, with his odd mustache and his unique public speaking style that involved a tremendous amount of yelling, has been brought to his knees before the world and publically flogged in an unprecedented abortion of justice. A truly tragic tale and a heartbreaking example of how progress in our modern society is falsely equated with evil. I speak, of course, of none other than the titan of industry R. Murdoch, whose recent name-dragging-through-the-muddery has tainted the glory of what was a truly meteoric and epic rise to the top of the newspaper-controlling industry and compromised his unprecedented ability to kill millions of Jews!

R. Murdoch, who rose to power in his homeland of Austria- land of boomerangs, kangaroos, crocodile hunting, and Fishy Chips- has been paraded before the world in recent history over a series of complicated technological things, the logistics of which I haven’t the bleakest understanding. Nor do I feel they are important; a great man has been put on trial simply for being great! All R. Murdoch has done is to manipulate for his own gain those who were put on this earth to be manipulated. Is it truly a crime to use the information you have on your customers and your customers’ friends and your customers’ friends’ families for personal and financial gain? Some would say it makes a difference that in this case, families of friends of customers encompasses approximately the entire world, and the information in question is every small detail about things that are no one’s business but their own; but do not let these narrow-minded, short-sighted, limp-wristed patrons of the effeminate “people are not money factories” school of business blind you to the fact that R. Murdoch is the only man in history for whom a global scale of success has not been a hindrance! Indeed, for any businessman but Mr. Murdoch- and, of course, for the elite of Bowen and Sons- global dominance stretches one beyond one’s capabilities and leads to ineffective leadership, and ultimately, suicide in an underground bunker accompanied by one’s fiancé, a charming yet ultimately vapid and unremarkable young actress, and several golden retrievers. For this proud young Austrian, however, the conquerance of the globe has served quite the opposite purpose- it has made him stronger! Stronger! And so I say, we must allow him to use this God-given gift, which has never before been bestowed upon a non-Bowen and Sons businessman, to its fullest! Else we stand in the way of evolution! A new breed, a master race of Business Men, is upon us, with this charming wunderkind dictating the future of the world! And if the nameless, numberless peons and hoi polloi must be stripped of their so-called “rights as individuals of import,” fed to his global machine and used as fodder to advance his purposes, that is not “wrong,” that is not a “crime,” that is not “injustice.” Injustice is halting the forward motion of progress and industrial evolution in the name of protecting the masses- their lot is not to advance, but to consume and grow fat and complacent so that they can be fed more satisfyingly to those who will ultimately be the makers of history! R. Murdoch’s customer base, those against whom he is charged with committing acts of betrayal, invasions of privacy, and millions upon millions of counts of sodomy and oral invasion, exist for no reason but to be his customers, his financial support, and his oral/anal receptacles so that he may ultimately rise to meet his destiny as fuhrer of a new world! And when he reaches his lofty promised position in the universe and is given ultimate power to rewrite history in the image he wishes to present, the sacrifices made by these enfeebled masses will be erased from the consciousness of time. The raging holocaust of progress- which has consumed them as fuel for the fires shooting R. Murdoch to the status of “New Christ” like one of those new rocket-powered gyrotubes hurtling toward the planet of Jupiter to collect gold- will ultimately be stricken from the record, erased from the minds of the masses, and forgotten completely. And if it is forgotten, then there has been no harm! Progress comes only at the price of absolutely nothing that anyone who matters can remember in 50 years! And lo, it is a hefty price indeed- I think. But I am not sure. It is hard to say because it has never happened before.