“Bowen Enterprises” is but a Collection of Falsifiers and Vermin and We Shall Destroy Them!

Attention, loyal readers of Bowen and Sons Media Enterprises: imposters are afoot! Imposters most foul!

It has recently come to our attention that a company – or, rather, a collection of uncouth vermin – labeling itself as “Bowen Enterprises” exists, and is actively besmirching our founder, J.T. Bowen, by attempting to do business under his good name. This shall not stand!

Rather than attempt to reason with them – because they surely would not understand a language other than the cockney gibberish they learned at their orphanages – we find ourselves forced to go for the throat. Our teams of lawyers have been dispatched, lawsuits and cudgels in hand, to whatever courthouses will still hear our cases. We expect that the entire staff of Bowen Enterprises shall soon be dangling limply from the gallows like the lifeless phallus of T. Archibald Foulke III! Ha HA!

What follows is a comprehensive, borderline-libelous list of the ways in which the Marxists, retards, and braying farm animals of the whore imposter company known as Bowen Enterprises have offended us, the noble, decent, God-fear-exploiting men of Bowen and Sons Media Enterprises. Please, gentle readers, memorize and disseminate this list as you see fit, so that the general public is not duped by these charlatans but continues to be duped by us.

- They publish a “maga zine,” which is just a half-step away from publishing inter-racial pornography and racially homogenous snuff films. We publish critical opinions of the utmost importance, which are fit to be compared to any work of letters except the Bible Itself and a handful of Ayn Rand’s calmer musings.

- Their corporate name contains only two words in it, while ours contains a mighty five! More than twice as many!

The World's Arm Pit

- Their headquarters are located in Chicago, the most unlivable, squalid, and pointless city in America. Anyone who even enters the state of Illinois should be immediately suspected of sedition at best and homosexuality at worst.

- They are not cruel enough to animals. The Hon. Dr. G. Onyx Brimsby’s Kitten Experiment Coffins have been humming smoothly for decades now, and have yielded a wealth of medical breakthroughs and scores of cat skeletons for my collection. Who among us can say that their life has not been made better by the invention of mustard gas or aspirin?

Test Subject 478C5H9.  Inset: Dr. Brimsby

- They offer “health care” and a “salary” to their employees in exchange for the services of said employees. My workers have no concept of “weekends,” “not being ravaged by drug-crazed test kittens for failing to meet quotas,” or “natural light”, and are required to wear Do Not Resuscitate bracelets at all times, regardless of their health.

- They refuse to return any of our phone calls, letters, or telegraphs. What are you hiding, you miscreants? Gold?

- They sell furniture to poors! Furniture sales are the lowest form of commerce, and we despise anyone who would stoop so low as to provide a place for a member of the indigent class to sit comfortably.

But we must not stop at simple legal action or verifiably true impugnations of their character and business practices. No! The time for words has passed! Indeed, it passed the moment the cracked, syphilitic lips of a Bowen Enterprises employee uttered our proud company’s namesake without our express, written permission!

Not pictured: A. Baldwin

We, the men of Bowen and Sons Media Enterprises, therefore ask you, the readers of our prestigious publication, to boycott and systematically destroy the products and services of the whoresons at Bowen Enterprises. Buy none of their rickety, proletariat furniture, slice their telegraph lines, and impede the progress of the ambulances carrying their recently-poisoned bodies to hospitals.

If you happen upon a Bowen Enterprises employee on the street, shove them mercilessly into a puddle or oncoming traffic, since they are human garbage and thus deserve to be in the gutter and/or in the path of public transportation.

Together, fellow plutocrats, we will rid the world of these horrible monsters, for whom a special place in Hell, next to pagan magicians and Holly Wood Liberals, is reserved.