You may, however, be less aware that due to a number of ‘short’ positions taken by myself, I stand to gain substantially from your impending economic apocalypse. Yes I bet against you. All of you. And now from the weakest I come to pluck my plunder. And I don’t mean invalids and babies, though I will certainly be stealing from them too.
That is not to say that I need this money or that I’m not already wealthy, for I am exceedingly wealthy, but the satisfaction I will reap from your misery—as my financial machinations come to fruition and you are forced to re-join the rank of the serf—will bring me to climax harder than discovering an unpublished treatise by Thomas Malthus. |
| HA HA HA HA HA! |
Yes, I’m afraid most of you are, once again and will remain forever, peasants. The march of private industry is unstoppable and all consuming. Through the Republican Party, the Supreme Court, the Office of the President and the Other Republican Party, we the elite, the landed, the entitled have waged a war of class upon manifold fronts that has pushed you to the precipice of your doom. Now as you teeter precariously on the edge of your demise, you can wonder only two things: how will my new overlords treat me and who really blew-up The Maine? The answers are, respectively, not well at all and me.
Don’t say we didn’t warn you. In the interest of fair play, every action of the Bush Administration was carefully orchestrated to make transparent our most villainous intentions—Dick Cheney begged us not to force him to murder all those Hawaiians, but for your sake, we insisted. We believed the hint to be quite obvious. Yet you did nothing.
What’s more, men of great prescience have warned you, time and again, to spurn our indulgences and curtail our power. Even the mighty Abraham Lincoln once said,
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| A Terrible Businessman |
“I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country. . . . corporations have been enthroned and an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until all wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed.”
And while these words went unheeded by your forefathers, my grandfather took them quite seriously, so as a man of action he did the only thing he could, shoot Lincoln in the back of the head. He didn’t do the shooting himself mind you, but a certain Mr. John Booth learned that the price for paying off a lifetime’s worth of gambling debts is substantially higher than one might first imagine.
Historical tid-bit: The entirety of the American Civil War was actually a series of disastrously misunderstood stagings of Gilbert and Sullivan operettas.
If your congress is incapable of coming to a consensus on your debt problems, and they will be, you very well won’t be reading our next article; you will instead be selling your computer to pay for not quite enough food to keep you and your grotesque whelps alive.