Recently I was bushwhacked into the rather distasteful position of requiring the use of one of our new aeroplanes- tubularized gyrocopter devices- for purposes of urgent long-distance travel. Whenever possible, it is quite true that I greatly prefer to utilize the time-honored tradition of a horse and carriage in my travels (and, of course, for international business, nothing quite beats a journey by sailing boat. I am especially partial to travelling on ships that are carrying a cargo of corpses from a war or a plague or what have you- a few weeks in the middle of the ocean with no one around but the coffins is quite a relaxing and pleasant experience.) Occasionally, though, I find myself unable to spare the week or month that it often takes to arrive at my destination. Business is an increasingly fast-paced lifestyle, and from time to time my travels require that I be able to make the trip in less than three or four days. Personally, I make it a point to avoid these situations as much as possible; no man is capable of enduring such a frantic way of life for an extended period of time! Imagine a world where one would be required to be in the great developing Metropolis of York (which, I assure you, will one day be recognized as an absolute sham, a terrifying blight on our great nation, and will be subsequently made a pariah of our business world- so many lights! So much noise! I wish to hide in my closet just thinking about it!) on Tuesday, and then, by the following Monday, to be in the French territory of Orleans, where the Creole and the Mulatto dance their psychotic jigs and the food is cooked with sulfuric acid! And then, if you can continue imagining such a ludicrous practice, consider that this same unfortunate soul may possibly have to return to York within the month for even more beeping, clicking, scratching, and shrieking while those red and green lights blind me!!!! Some experts have predicted that within the next few centuries, such a scenario may not be so commonplace for the elite Business Man; I say, to some experts, be hanged! I will fight this trend tooth and nail!
But I digress; recently I was forced to placate the fates and purchase an aeroplane ticket for my travels. It was, overall, a tremendously nauseating experience, but I was quite pleased with one aspect of my travel; the security measures at the Sky Port, which I found to be arduously lengthy and thorough to the point of being ludicrous, were a great comfort to me. In an age where the man in front of me forgot to remove a fast food receipt from his coat pocket and was subsequently selected by the “Entire Body Scanning Machine” for a thorough body search that took well over fifteen minutes, then had his crotch and anus examined mercilessly by a Lesbian, I have every last bit of confidence that not a one of those filthy Moslems will ever succeed in smuggling one of their ridiculous hooked scimitars under their unnecessarily garish and flashy robes for the purposes of commandeering an aeroplane for their sky pirate War Lords. I spent every one of the two hundred and forty five minutes that I stood in the security scanning line thanking my Lord and Savior that the ruffians and vagabonds around me were not being permitted to bring so much as a small spray bottle of Hair Product onto the plane, let alone their savage battle axes and poisoned daggers, an unsettling percentage of which I’m sure would otherwise have been utilized in the dispatch of men just like me.
But those sons of bitches took my pistol! Alas, a small price to pay for the satisfaction of watching an 85-year old woman in a wheelchair given a strip search as her daughter looked on in tears because her walking apparatus could potentially have been used as an atomic bomb.