I see my childhood; a distinct vision of my past, a memory long-forgotten of my mother, beautiful and gentle. She is speaking to my nanny, Mrs. Childerborn. They are discussing- yes, yes, they are discussing me, they are discussing whether I shall soon learn to speak! Mrs. Childerborn is distressed- “Something is wrong with Thurmane,” she cries, “he does not show signs of developing properly. He does not yet speak! The other children are speaking in full sentences. We must take him to a specialist at once!” My mother smiles and leans over me in my crib. She coos me tenderly, tickling me under my chin with her finger. I giggle and sputter. I attempt to call out to her; the word “mama” is on the edge of my lips, but I cannot quite complete it. It comes out as, “mmmaaaaaaggggg.” “No,” she says, “my precious little Thurmane is just fine. He simply chooses not to speak like the other children.” As she walks away to procure more diapers and swaddling clothes, as well as my favorite pink milk bottle, I grasp the bars of my crib, longing for freedom and the day when I shall have the physical capability to motor myself out of this confining torture chamber and into the great What Lies Beyond The Door In The Grownup World. Some day I shall learn to walk, and I shall be a part of that world. Mrs. Childerborne changes me, for I have messed myself. She mutters to herself; she loves me, but is quite concerned for my Well Being. My Tenth Birthday is next week, and she does so wish that I could have a normal Birthday Party like the other boys.
A flash of light! The sensation of falling through a whirlpool in space! Another memory! It is, ah, it is the day I was inaugurated into the ranks of the Bowen and Sons elite! My appointment day! I see Rutherford, Foulke! The Honorable Dr. Brimsby is absent on this occasion; I believe this was after the dismal failure of his experiments with the breeding Combat Porcupines. He had wanted a porcupine that was more like a cat, but when his porcupine and cat test subjects had refused to breed, he had attempted to eliminate the porcupine from the equation altogether by simply breeding a cat with a cactus. The results were quite a dismal failure, and the fact that he conducted his final experiment before his daughter’s elementary school class as part of their “Appreciate Science!” event week turned out to be quite a tremendous obstacle in his custody battle. Poor, poor Brimsby. Ah, look! Even N. Cage, our Holly Wood Land representative and recently outed vampire is lurking in the shadows at this momentous event!
Ah, how I am comforted by the sight of my friends. How I shall miss their company. I have never admitted this to anyone, but the feelings I have for these gentlemen are feelings of tremendous warmth and appreciation; I do so regret never treating these men- these partners, these compatriots, these brothers- with more affection and care. If I lived beyond today, how I do think I would show more tenderness to them. I was always afraid- to embrace them, to tell them I appreciate them, to offer my hand in the bond of true friendship. I was always afraid that they would think me effete and weak of constitution if I gave them any sign of how very much I cared for them, but now that I am facing mortality, I realize there is no shame in such a thing! What a fool I have been! I have hardened myself right out of a lifetime of meaningful relationships! And now I face death, alone! Alone!!
Another memory! It is me! It is me yesterday! It is me yesterday, kicking a slumbering homeless man in the head! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! What a hilarious and joyful moment in my life! Perhaps my most favorite memory of all! See how he cries out in pain! What a terrifying way to wake up from a deep slumber! How exquisite! He must have been beside himself with agony! Ha ha ha! What a wonderful- wait, what is this? Another memory already? But I did not get a chance to properly enjoy this one!
My goodness, I do not recognize this memory. I have never lived in a house such as this, such a squalid pit of despair, with such a wretched family living within. They look to be sharing a single room between 8 of them! They must be Irish! Yes, Irish indeed, see how the father comes home drunk from his job at the machinist factory! See how he does not make enough money to buy sufficient food for his large family! My God, but what is this sensation sweeping over me? It is as if… suddenly, I just know things about this family. Suddenly, I understand that the very factory in which this man works is, in fact, a Bowen and Sons acquisition! And that boy, the eldest child, struggling to help his father support this family, working from the age of 10 instead of going to school, why, this boy is… my God! It is none other than that sleeping homeless man I kicked in the head! This memory is years earlier- he is but a boy, but I know him now! Oh, my, but look what happens later- the house catches fire and the entire family burns, leaving that poor boy a homeless boy, a homeless boy who will grow into the homeless man who I kicked! I see now! I see the viciousness of his life, the suffering my kind has caused, and to which I have contributed! The guilt! I am penitent!!! Lo, the mistakes I have made in my life! The lack of compassion! If I only had a chance to do it all over again! The lessons I have learned! If I were only not just now realizing all of these things! I would turn my life around! If I were given just one more day, I would choose to help my fellow man, to make the world a kinder place! If I only-
Oh! Goodness! I had a fart! Why, I was not dying at all! I was merely gassy! Gassy! Gassy, no doubt, from the ill-prepared veal on which I supped last night, made by my incompetent slime of a personal chef! I will destroy him! I will destroy his family! I will bring about a suffering unto his head that no man dares even imagine! None may cross R. Thurmane Woudspelle, Order of the Piranha, in such a manner! I will see to it that his entire family suffers for this violation for the rest of their lives!!