In My Day, Tea Parties Were Reserved For Little Girls and My Retarded Cousin Edwin

What is all this I keep hearing about Tea Parties? It seems that America has gone manic for tea during these hot summer months. All I can say is: for shame! If my father were still around, he would take America firmly by the ear, bend it over his venerable knee, and give our nation a sound and stately paddling and a long talk about acting more like a man.

The origin of the tea party, like the tea itself, is shrouded in Oriental mystery, but its roots are unequivocally sinister. The tea ceremony no doubt provided a meeting place for the average Chinaman to gather with his peers and discuss labor issues. While the insidiousness of such assemblages should not be understated, our imperial brothers across the Atlantic spared us from any collectivized hordes of Chinamen spilling across the European continent by crushing all of exotic Asia under their hefty British heels. But, like the plague ridden rats of the Middle-Ages, borne on the mighty ships of empire, the disease of the tea party soon spread to all of Britain’s properties.

Then in 1773, an unruly mob of questionable ethnicity descended upon the British colony of Boston to wreak havoc there on the noble and legitimate local business-men by throwing their wares into the nearby harbor.

However, these tragic beginnings were soon forgotten, and if the act was taken up as a game of sorts by little girls. While I have never seen a child myself, I am told that these miniature women exercise the formal aspects of their future domesticity through the ritual of the tea party.

And so the practice continued on through generations, relegated to the domains of the juvenile and feminine until today when it seems that a ragged group of boorish ruffians are newly obsessed with throwing their own tea parties. All across the country, these slack jawed and jaundiced peasants have gathered to sip from their tiny cups and make polite conversation.

Does this fixation upon a children’s game mark some rash of pedophilism spreading throughout our nation? Or is it yet another sign that the modern man is too easily castrated and rendered impotent by the female agenda—to such a degree that they are enamored with nothing less than an activity meant for the one of the smallest and least important of God’s creatures?

Therefore, I must fulminate against all you grown-men who participate in these newly popularized adult tea parties! The founding fathers of this greatest of countries would surely not have approved.