I, Too, Become Enraged When Information I Voluntarily Place on the Intra Net is Viewed by Others!

Bowen and Sons Media Enterprises prides itself on discovering, exploiting and, ultimately, ravaging new fields of industry. Indeed, we have a knack for staying one step ahead of our competitors, foiling their plans and, ultimately, ravaging them as well (the plans and the competitors). In that vein, I was pleased to note that in addition to new bureaus in Borneo, New Luxembourg, and the Western Indies, our News Paper / Industrial Espionage Department had recently opened an office in the exciting, dynamic world of Cyber Space! We have now acquired property on “Face Book” and “Twitter” – two terms with which I was unfamiliar but had been assured are important with regard to Cyber Space and the profitability thereof.

After my recovery from the sleeping sickness I caught at the New Luxembourg branch, I immediately demanded a tour of our Cyber Space properties, and was shocked to discover the following on my journey:

1 – A Moor has been elected President of these United States! Surely a man of such ruddy complexion is of foreign birth, I say! I suggest that a formal inquiry into the whereabouts of B. H. Obama’s birthplace be commenced forthwith, with only the sharpest and most intellectually savvy among us helming the investigation.

2 – Our Cyber Space offices are not physical locations! I was informed that, instead, they are comprised of a “series” of “computers” that are run by a single, corpulent man in my employ. The real steak and vinegar of the operation, he informed me, all takes place within the miniaturized walls of said computers, which, disappointingly, emit no scalding blasts of steam during operation. The purpose of the branch, then, is to “electronically” store articles containing our critical opinions of the utmost importance and, apparently, startlingly pornographic images of our science writer, Dr. G. Onyx Brimsby. The stored articles and pornography are then freely distributed far and wide across the futuristic, windswept plains of Cyber Space, where any gentleman of upstanding nature may read or fondle himself to them at his leisure from the comforts of his private Face Book office/masturbatorium.

I was also informed by the corpulent man that the Face Book division of our Cyber Space office had gradually undergone a series of changes which allowed any other citizen of Cyber Space or the “Information Superhighway” – a term I and I alone have coined – to view any of the articles other businesses or individuals have placed upon their Face Book properties.

“Excellent!” I declared, “Now, even more upstanding citizens of our grand Republic may read our words and weep with the knowledge that they are inadequate to us in every regard! Ha HA!”

This was not the case, argued the corpulent man, whom I instantly fired for looking me in the eyes whilst speaking. It seems that the very changes which allowed us to spread our genius far and wide had greatly upset the mass of imbeciles who run competing Face Book divisions.

You see, while we here at Bowen and Sons were using the public system of computers to advertise our greatness to any and all within cybernetic earshot, others were under the mistaken notion that the very same computers are meant to be used as a vault for sensitive and proprietary information! Apparently, the other men and women on Face Book did not want the ultra-sensitive information about local sporting events and the births of their terrible, useless children to leak out to the public, and had assumed that it was safely tucked away from prying eyes within the confines of the Face Book computer.

Well I, J.M. Rutherford, can wholeheartedly empathize with these titans of common sense – I, too, become indignant when the information, images, and data I place, of my own free will, upon a public Intra Net of computers is viewed by the public! I am also shocked and appalled at the peeping thomases who are so bold as to intercept the messages I shout into a series of mega-phones from the roof of my Connecticut estate! What right do they have to interfere with my privacy? If I want to project the digits of my socialized security number (if I had one) across the clouds of the night sky for months on end, I should be secure in the knowledge that I will not be taken advantage of!

Clearly, the only mission of the Intra Net should be to provide a repository for all of the mentally-stunted musings of the general populace and nothing more. Anything beyond that – with a mind towards advertisement, profits, et cetera – should fall to the wayside in favor of such a lofty, unprofitable, and altruistic goal. As one of the most naïve people in the world, I am shocked that this is not the case and that the large, multinational corporations that run said Intra Net do not have my best interests, or my privacy, at the forefront of their minds.