As a sporting man, I am often found galloping across the countryside on a mighty thoroughly bred horse whilst hunting foxes in the company of other gentlemen of similar economic and ethnic standing. An invaluable cog in this beauteous past time is the “foxing hound”: a dog specially bred to mercilessly pursue the horrible beasts and flush them from their hiding holes so that my colleagues and I might fire willy nilly at them with our blunderbusses. It is quite the relaxing affair, and self-inflicted gun shot wounds have dwindled ever since we banned a certain R. Thurmane Woudspelle from attending our bi-montly hunts.
 |
| A Proper Foxing Hound |
But I digress. I am writing this missive to alert all who might be in the market for a new foxing hound, since I have had a most unpleasant experience with one which was recently brought to my attention. My warning is thus: the foxing hound known as “Cocoa” is most unfit for fox hunting!
The creature has no work ethic, virtually no killing instinct, and, most horrifyingly, has engaged in routine acts of sexual lasciviousness in front of the assembled members of our hunting party. It is, to say the least, embarrassing when one in my employ, be they man or beast, is seen attempting to copulate with, in order, a horse, a fellow sportsman’s leg, and a tree stump all in one afternoon!
 |
| A HARLOT! |
I have since broken this mongrel’s legs and tossed it into the streets, where it will hopefully starve to death, and have fired all involved with its breeding and training as well as the entirety of my hunting party, lest rumor spread that J. M. Rutherford is in the practice of hiring strumpets and other deviants.
The moral of my sordid tale is that one must only use the services of chaste, God-fearing hounds, horses, and employees, lest they tarnish one’s reputation for moral respectability and business acumen.
