One Man’s Struggle to Decide Which is the Lesser of Two Evils- Juggaloos, or Tila Tequila

Recently, an event took place which has left me torn asunder. My entire system of morality and Christ like virtue has been shaken by a moral conundrum that seems impossible to definitively resolve: Is it better to side with in famous harlot and brazen hussy T. Tequila, or with the mob of clowns (calling themselves juggaloos) who recently attempted to murder her? Verily, my first instinct, upon hearing the story of this lynch mob-style assault on that damnable trollop (not to mention, Oriental!) was to commend the valorous acts of what seemed, at the time, to be a group of up standing citizens taking justice into their own hands and lashing out against the evils of promiscuity and shameless public nudity. But as I looked further into the matter of just what, exactly, a juggaloo is, it became quite clear that these were not the super heroes and champions of Correct Value that I had thought them to be! Nay, they were something possibly even more despicable than any wanton slut, public nuisance, or civilization-corrupting Asian; they were clowns! The terrifying creatures that have haunted my night mares since I was in swaddling clothes! How could any man bear to choose a side between these two calamitous forces of evil? And yet, to refuse to pass judgment on one side or the other would be unthinkable!

My attention was recently brought to an article outlining the details of what initially seemed a quite straight forward attack; one T. Tequila, an enter tainment celebrity known for her tendency to be a filthy, despicable whore, was requested for some reason or other to do something at an event where a large number of these jugaloos were present. As soon as she walked on to the stage, however, she was pelted with stones and bottles. She, of course, reacted exactly as any loose woman of the night would: it seems this T. Tequila, as a last-ditch effort to hypnotize the perpetrators and bend them to her will, bore her bosom in a most lewd and outlandish way. Her attackers were strong, however, and, aided by the Light of Correct Values, they resisted her flesh assault and only grew angrier, eventually chasing her en masse and trapping her in her trailer.

At first, upon reading the newspaper article about this incident, I was elated. Imagine my joy, finding that not only does there exist a large group of people dedicated to solving the moral problems of the world, but they do so by utilizing extreme violence, the most virtuous of actions in and of itself! I decided right then and there that I would become one of these jugaloos. But something did not seem right; after re-reading the article several times, I realized what it was that was bothering me. Their preferred method of punishment was the throwing of stones! I have heard tell of another group that values the power of a well-tossed slab of rock as a means of smiting the unjust; that group, of course, is none other than the filthy, heathen cult of the Islamists! Could this be an attack not orchestrated by arbiters of justice, but by that most despicable and detestable lot, the Moors?!? I set out to find the truth!

My search for answers took me from my home to a coffee shoppe several blocks down the University Boulevard. I got the attention of the patrons of the shoppe with a shot in the air from my trusty revolver, and asked if anyone knew what a jugalloo was, and are they Islamists?!? At first it seemed no one had the answer, which made some sense. It was not surprising that an Islamist militia group would be shrouded in secrecy, leaving only the most erudite of Men of Learning to know of their existence. But I was not to be so easily put off the trail! I grabbed the nearest bystander- a young boy of about 13- and shook him madly with one hand as I inserted my revolver into his mouth! “Inform me!” I screamed, the sweat pouring from my forehead. “Inform me of the identities of these Jugaloos, or face sodomy at the hands of demons in Hell!” Weakling that he was, he begged me to spare his life, and told me that he could give me the information I sought. He told me that he went to school with some of these jugaloos, and that they were not Islamists. Thanking my good fortune for having chosen this boy, rather than the pregnant woman next to him, I begged this young man- who clearly possessed a learning and a wisdom far beyond his years to be so aware of such a secretive sect of Champions of Virtue- to educate me, enlighten me as to the nature of the group in question. It was then that he revealed a most terrifying and staggering secret- these Saviors of Light were, in fact, clowns!

And so my torment has begun! For the last two days, I have laid in bed, besieged by tremendous and terrifying visions of vapid, scantily-clad harlots and laughing, scantily-clad clowns! Clowns! Everywhere, clowns! Their painted faces, their terrifying red noses, their brightly colored hair and clothing! How could I, R. Thurmane Woudspelle, arbiter of Right and God Fear, possibly commend the actions of such a thunderously vile group of parasites?? Yet to condemn them, I would be forced to take the side of a sexual deviant, a waifish demon of Hell, and an Oriental to boot! Lo, my very soul is being ripped apart like a letter from one of my disgusting illegitimate children begging me to be there for them in a time of need!